Can I Be Mad At God About My Illness? 3 Ways To Know
“When I was first diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, I was relieved at first,” shares Cindy. “So many doctors kept telling me to see a psychiatrist, but I knew it was my body, not my head, that was in trouble.” She explains, “I had spent so much time before my diagnosis being mad, having my illness finally validated was a great feeling. But six months later, the anger set in the pain management of the illness seemed to barely exist.”
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a doctor in Switzerland, wrote a life-changing book called, “On Death and Dying” which describes the cycle of emotional stages that is often referred to as the grief cycle. Anger is the third stage, following the shock stage and the denial stage.
When we discover that we have a chronic illness, meaning an illness we will likely have for the rest of our lives, anger is a natural reaction. So many hopes and dreams seem to be taken from us.
Recognizing these feelings and dealing with them is part of the mourning process. We all need to go through this process, and it comes at different times for each individual and at different levels at each stage of the illness. Ironically, the first year of diagnosis may even be easier than the third year.
Says Krista, who lives with chronic fatigue syndrome, “I know that my anger stages come and go. I have been angry at doctors, at God, myself, my church, even my husband and daughter and other family members.”
One thing we can count on is that anger is part of the grief cycle that we all go through when we suffer loss.
“It is my observation,” says Linda Noble Topf, author of “You are Not Your Illness,” “that the absence of anger in the face of a serious illness suggests that we have already withdrawn from life, that we have relinquished our passion for living, that we are resigned and emotionally numb.”
If you’re a Christian you may be told that you should never get angry, you just need to have more faith. As believers, we are often taught the emotions of anger are not “allowed” or justified. You may have been raised to believe:
- If my faith in God is solid, I should trust that He wants what is best for me. Doubting His hand in my circumstances to shows my lack of faith.
- If I tell other Christians about my angry feelings, and how frustrated I am with this disease, won’t they think I am weak in my walk with Christ?
- I know the Bible says, “wise men shouldn’t anger.” So how can be my real self with the Lord?
- I have seen how angry people become very bitter and I don’t want to be that kind of person. So if I ignore my anger, I will eventually become a better Christian, focusing only on the positive things life holds.
All of these thoughts are normal, but that doesn’t mean they’re correct. By burying our anger and not acknowledging it, we prevent ourselves from moving on to the next phase in the grief cycle, learning how to effectively manage our emotions and our chronic illness.
Here are a few suggestions for coping effectively with illness and the anger that accompanies it.
1. If you are angry, acknowledge that these feelings exist. Then get on with life!
Don’t bury these emotions, believing that it will make you a stronger person. Topf recommends “think of anger as a resource that you can learn to harness and refine for your own benefit.” Being able to address your feelings of anger will help you reclaim your personal identity. Don’t try to fake it through life on false emotions.
The Bible explains how Job got angry about the events in his life and cursed the day of his birth. He said, “Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?” (Job 6:13). In the end though, God blessed Job in many ways and Job told the Lord, “Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful to know” (Job 42:3b). Through his feelings of anger and frustration, character and understanding was built.
2. It is all right to have angry feelings.
God designed us to feel a wide variety of emotions and one of these is anger. There are numerous instances in the Bible where Scripture specifically tells us about how even God got mad. What does the Bible tells about how to cope with our own angry feelings?
- “For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:20).
- “Wise men turn away anger” (Proverbs 29:8b).
- “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).
God understands that anger is a part of our human instinct, but it should never become our lifestyle. Some people may point out that it takes anger to get things accomplished. Even Mothers against Drunk Drivers seem to have an appropriate acronym of “MADD.” Topf says, “We discover that anger is first and foremost a demand for change.” Some would argue that the attitude of “I’m-not-going-to-take-it-any-more” has been the beginning of great changes in our history. And this is true, but the key is not to get stuck in that anger phase for the rest of your life.
In Amos 1:11, God says, “I will not turn back my wrath… because his anger raged continually.” God understands how we will feel anger, but when we feel it continually, He becomes annoyed. When all of our energy is spent being angry (and it does takes a lot of effort) none of our focus is on Him. We must find a way to use our anger effectively so we can bring God the glory.
3. Walk with God beside you and He will walk with you through your anger.
In the Bible, David experienced this promise and wrote, “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me” (Psalm 138:7). God is always waiting for you to stretch out your hand to Him, especially when in anger reigns. He will protect you from using it unwisely.
“I’m still dealing with anger at this illness.” explains Peggy, who lives with fibromyalgia. “Each time I realize I have another limitation, I experience anger. And yet, I know that God has a plan for my life that is perfect. As I become more adjusted to having chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, and the limitations it places on my activities, I expect and pray for His perfect grace to become slow to anger, counting on the scripture, ‘The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love’” (Psalm 103:8).
We will all face the emotion of anger for the rest of our lives. Some of the most basic advice to cope with it is that which is in a scripture that I refer in my book, “Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why” where I walk through the emotions of anger and bitterness we deal with in regards to our illness. In Hosea 7:13b-14 God says, “I long to redeem [you] but. . . [you] do not cry out to Me from [your] hearts, but wait upon [your] beds.” Don’t flop down on your bed and wail “Why me?” Instead pour out your heart to the Lord and wholly ask Him for help.